Thursday, November 17, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
How do you escape this loop?
How do you change things about yourself that you feel like you have no control over?
Where do you start when you feel like everything needs to change?
How can I stop myself wanting something?
Life would be much easier if I didn't want love. I would never have to worry about what love is; how it is different from friendship; what do you look for in someone; should I really gamble everything for it; is it really all I need?
And should I even waste my time on such thoughts, if God has me lined up to be single?
Pepetual singleness, a fate I have contemplated a number of times, is not the story I was hoping to live out but given who I am, and how I struggle with people it might be for the best. Many people I've spoken too say that they couldn't do it, that it would be unthinkable, but I believe I could. I mean sure, the thought of never enjoying the partnership of a marrage or the joy of having kids is pretty sad, but there is plenty of other joy and intense companionship to be found in this life. I just need to stop myself from wanting these other things. If I could only properly give up on the hopes of being loved, then I could settle into this life alone. This is the part I am struggling with.
It is made harder by the fact that I don't know if it is God's plan for me. I can't make myself give up desires unless I know I have to. A few of my friends have suggested that the fact that I want these things, the fact that I struggle to remove these desires tells me that I shouldn't/don't have to. If I want these things so bad, then either God had placed these desires in my heart, or he will want me to be happy and so work these things into his plan. Unfortunately, this is not the God that I know, or the world that I experience. I find myself wanting plenty of things that God surely does not want for me, plenty of ways the world pulls me away from God.
And so my mind goes to the other extreme. From not being able to know it searches desperately for conformation. Jumping at any sign that I will be alone, falling for any girl that might be right. All the while being unsure and uncommitted to anything.
Love here is just one dimension on which my mind is tossing and turning. Never knowing how to feel about myself, my habits, my beliefs, my future. I need to find a way of pausing it, just for a day, an hour, a second. There must be a way of tuning it out. A way of getting on with things without having to listen to the neurotic madman that runs this ship.
This post is simply an attempt to do so; to dump some of it on to the keys to get it off my mind. The digital equivalent of climbing a cliff and shouting into an abyss to relieve stress.
I should have mentioned this at the start. That this post should not be read with high expectations. Sorry.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Standing on the corner,
looking at the world.
Thinking how to deal with
all the insults that it's hurled.
Tell myself it's all ok,
the world just spills out hate.
Slow and scared, the world can't face,
that I actually might be great.
But hold on! if I'm to look,
past the arrogance of youth,
and see that what they say,
might contain some truth.
Careful though, how much you let,
the thought 'it's true' creep in.
It can easily flood your mind,
and the negative world will win.
I don't thinks it's complete.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
( I did not learn this at the donation center, as they had NO informational posters. Very disappointing)
((Having said that, I did then find these statistics on the red cross website, so they came through in the end))
((also, I know that this is not the correct use of parenthesis, but I think you will have understood what I was aiming for. Anyway, the content! GRAPH!)))
|(you can click on it to make it large!)|
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
An innate part of being a Christian is caring about what people think of you.
As part of being Christians one strives to reflect Christ in their life, make wise Godly choices, and treat people with love and respect. These are all good things, but the relational nature of them, and of the Christian faith as a whole means that they cannot be done independently of the opinions of others. We cannot just behave in a way that we feel is loving and respectful and not care if the rest of the population agrees with us. Our success at acting in a respecting manner is determined by how those we act around perceive our actions. Whether or not my actions were God glorifying and/or loving of those around me is not decided by how I feel about my actions, but what those witnessing those actions think.
I have always felt that it is good to not care what other people think about you, but I am coming to realise that it is important, and necessary. If I want to reflect Christ in my life, I need to behave in a way that not only I feel is loving and respectful, but also that others think is loving and respectful. So I must consider what those around me think of my actions, my intentions, and attitudes. What they think of me.
This is one of things that weighs me down the most as a Christian. I am happy to love and serve others, and to shape my actions around the ideals of love, respect and service of others, but having to consider how others want to me behave to see those things in my actions annoys me.
I have one friend, a leader in a certain Christian circle, who is always throwing the “is that the loving thing to do” line in my face. Making me do things that I don’t really want to do, or care about. I wouldn’t care if no one did them for me, but I can’t deny that other people think they are important, so they would feel loved if I did it, and most of the time I’m not doing anything important with that time otherwise. Drives me mad.
This is not to say that what other people think about you is the most important factor, and that we should shape ourselves entirely on the opinions of others. There is still the vane, image obsessed thoughts that can be involved, and are what first comes to my mind when thinking about this idea. I worked for years to not care about whether people like how I dress, looked, acted and am. And I will continue to try and not let those thoughts get all up in my headspace. The difference is in the direction. I will hold to not considering (too much) whether people like me, but I will consider if people think I love and respect them.