Saturday, October 22, 2011


My mind feels like it is crumbling. All I can do is think, and all I want to do is stop thinking these same thoughts. They are old. They are had. I know them, and nothing is progressing from them. This knowledge is not helping to change anything, because all I know is what I want to change; what I want to know.

How do you escape this loop?
How do you change things about yourself that you feel like you have no control over?
Where do you start when you feel like everything needs to change?
How can I stop myself wanting something?

Life would be much easier if I didn't want love. I would never have to worry about what love is; how it is different from friendship; what do you look for in someone; should I really gamble everything for it; is it really all I need?

And should I even waste my time on such thoughts, if God has me lined up to be single?
Pepetual singleness, a fate I have contemplated a number of times, is not the story I was hoping to live out but given who I am, and how I struggle with people it might be for the best. Many people I've spoken too say that they couldn't do it, that it would be unthinkable, but I believe I could. I mean sure, the thought of never enjoying the partnership of a marrage or the joy of having kids is pretty sad, but there is plenty of other joy and intense companionship to be found in this life. I just need to stop myself from wanting these other things. If I could only properly give up on the hopes of being loved, then I could settle into this life alone. This is the part I am struggling with.

It is made harder by the fact that I don't know if it is God's plan for me. I can't make myself give up desires unless I know I have to. A few of my friends have suggested that the fact that I want these things, the fact that I struggle to remove these desires tells me that I shouldn't/don't have to. If I want these things so bad, then either God had placed these desires in my heart, or he will want me to be happy and so work these things into his plan. Unfortunately, this is not the God that I know, or the world that I experience. I find myself wanting plenty of things that God surely does not want for me, plenty of ways the world pulls me away from God.

And so my mind goes to the other extreme. From not being able to know it searches desperately for conformation. Jumping at any sign that I will be alone, falling for any girl that might be right. All the while being unsure and uncommitted to anything.

Love here is just one dimension on which my mind is tossing and turning. Never knowing how to feel about myself, my habits, my beliefs, my future. I need to find a way of pausing it, just for a day, an hour, a second. There must be a way of tuning it out. A way of getting on with things without having to listen to the neurotic madman that runs this ship.

This post is simply an attempt to do so; to dump some of it on to the keys to get it off my mind. The digital equivalent of climbing a cliff and shouting into an abyss to relieve stress.

I should have mentioned this at the start. That this post should not be read with high expectations. Sorry.

Friday, October 14, 2011

When Boredom Overpowers (lack of) Skill.

I needed something to stop me loosing my mind in an unbelievably boring seminar today, so I wrote this. Interested to know what you think.

Standing on the corner,
looking at the world.
Thinking how to deal with
all the insults that it's hurled.

Tell myself it's all ok,
the world just spills out hate.
Slow and scared, the world can't face,
that I actually might be great.

But hold on! if I'm to look,
past the arrogance of youth,
and see that what they say,
might contain some truth.

Careful though, how much you let,
the thought 'it's true' creep in.
It can easily flood your mind,
and the negative world will win.

I don't thinks it's complete.