Saturday, October 22, 2011


My mind feels like it is crumbling. All I can do is think, and all I want to do is stop thinking these same thoughts. They are old. They are had. I know them, and nothing is progressing from them. This knowledge is not helping to change anything, because all I know is what I want to change; what I want to know.

How do you escape this loop?
How do you change things about yourself that you feel like you have no control over?
Where do you start when you feel like everything needs to change?
How can I stop myself wanting something?

Life would be much easier if I didn't want love. I would never have to worry about what love is; how it is different from friendship; what do you look for in someone; should I really gamble everything for it; is it really all I need?

And should I even waste my time on such thoughts, if God has me lined up to be single?
Pepetual singleness, a fate I have contemplated a number of times, is not the story I was hoping to live out but given who I am, and how I struggle with people it might be for the best. Many people I've spoken too say that they couldn't do it, that it would be unthinkable, but I believe I could. I mean sure, the thought of never enjoying the partnership of a marrage or the joy of having kids is pretty sad, but there is plenty of other joy and intense companionship to be found in this life. I just need to stop myself from wanting these other things. If I could only properly give up on the hopes of being loved, then I could settle into this life alone. This is the part I am struggling with.

It is made harder by the fact that I don't know if it is God's plan for me. I can't make myself give up desires unless I know I have to. A few of my friends have suggested that the fact that I want these things, the fact that I struggle to remove these desires tells me that I shouldn't/don't have to. If I want these things so bad, then either God had placed these desires in my heart, or he will want me to be happy and so work these things into his plan. Unfortunately, this is not the God that I know, or the world that I experience. I find myself wanting plenty of things that God surely does not want for me, plenty of ways the world pulls me away from God.

And so my mind goes to the other extreme. From not being able to know it searches desperately for conformation. Jumping at any sign that I will be alone, falling for any girl that might be right. All the while being unsure and uncommitted to anything.

Love here is just one dimension on which my mind is tossing and turning. Never knowing how to feel about myself, my habits, my beliefs, my future. I need to find a way of pausing it, just for a day, an hour, a second. There must be a way of tuning it out. A way of getting on with things without having to listen to the neurotic madman that runs this ship.

This post is simply an attempt to do so; to dump some of it on to the keys to get it off my mind. The digital equivalent of climbing a cliff and shouting into an abyss to relieve stress.

I should have mentioned this at the start. That this post should not be read with high expectations. Sorry.


Emily said...

Dahv Dahv Dahv.

I hope and pray for peace for your mind.
I know thoughts. Plaguing thoughts. And I don't like to see them trap my friends.

I don't know surefire ways to break the loop. I don't know the definitive answer to change. I constantly get myself stuck in thought loops, and the only way I've ever got out, got past, got through, is Jesus.

Whatever way it happened, always Jesus. Even when I ignore Him, always Jesus.

Considering 'how you struggle with people' I'd say it's a perfect place for God to show His glory by creating something, in unity and relationship and love, that couldn't have been otherwise.

That's just my take on it. I don't know God's plan for your life... But I know that He is the strength in our weaknesses.

Ask Him. I'm sure you have already, but keep asking until you get an answer.

Perpetual singleness is something that I think a lot of people consider. I've considered it, and I asked God about it. He didn't say yes, or no, he said to stop asking :P
Anything to do with relationships or boys that I asked about 'Stop asking.'

Easier said than done, of course. I still don't know what I'm doing, but I asked until I got an answer, even if it wasn't yes or no.

Uncertainty in this isn't always fun. Trusting God isn't always easy. It's often very scary. But man, He loves you. More than you could ever imagine.

David said...

That's all I've done, all I know how to do about it, turn to God.

The best method I've found for redirecting thought is to fill my head with other ones, and as James suggests, stop letting my tongue steer me back on to it.

I think I've got the same message as you, "It's not for you to worry about, just get on with today". And I'm learning that the more I do, the more beautiful today is!

Emily said...

Also a book I just finished that I recommend: The Moral Revolution, Kris Vallotton. (sometimes also called the sexual revolution) I can't remember exactly, buy I read something in the book that made me think of this post! So now I recommend it to you.