My mind feels like it is crumbling. All I can do is think, and all I want to do is stop thinking these same thoughts. They are old. They are had. I know them, and nothing is progressing from them. This knowledge is not helping to change anything, because all I know is what I want to change; what I want to know.
How do you escape this loop?
How do you change things about yourself that you feel like you have no control over?
Where do you start when you feel like everything needs to change?
How can I stop myself wanting something?
Life would be much easier if I didn't want love. I would never have to worry about what love is; how it is different from friendship; what do you look for in someone; should I really gamble everything for it; is it really all I need?
And should I even waste my time on such thoughts, if God has me lined up to be single?
Pepetual singleness, a fate I have contemplated a number of times, is not the story I was hoping to live out but given who I am, and how I struggle with people it might be for the best. Many people I've spoken too say that they couldn't do it, that it would be unthinkable, but I believe I could. I mean sure, the thought of never enjoying the partnership of a marrage or the joy of having kids is pretty sad, but there is plenty of other joy and intense companionship to be found in this life. I just need to stop myself from wanting these other things. If I could only properly give up on the hopes of being loved, then I could settle into this life alone. This is the part I am struggling with.
It is made harder by the fact that I don't know if it is God's plan for me. I can't make myself give up desires unless I know I have to. A few of my friends have suggested that the fact that I want these things, the fact that I struggle to remove these desires tells me that I shouldn't/don't have to. If I want these things so bad, then either God had placed these desires in my heart, or he will want me to be happy and so work these things into his plan. Unfortunately, this is not the God that I know, or the world that I experience. I find myself wanting plenty of things that God surely does not want for me, plenty of ways the world pulls me away from God.
And so my mind goes to the other extreme. From not being able to know it searches desperately for conformation. Jumping at any sign that I will be alone, falling for any girl that might be right. All the while being unsure and uncommitted to anything.
Love here is just one dimension on which my mind is tossing and turning. Never knowing how to feel about myself, my habits, my beliefs, my future. I need to find a way of pausing it, just for a day, an hour, a second. There must be a way of tuning it out. A way of getting on with things without having to listen to the neurotic madman that runs this ship.
This post is simply an attempt to do so; to dump some of it on to the keys to get it off my mind. The digital equivalent of climbing a cliff and shouting into an abyss to relieve stress.
I should have mentioned this at the start. That this post should not be read with high expectations. Sorry.
It’s no revolutionary thought, but it struck
me again last week just how bad television is. I’m not talking about the
quality of the acting or the reused plotlines, I’m talking about the way it
crushes my soul and dulls my mind. I have always said/thought that I watched tv
to relax and let my mind rest, thinking that my mind can, and needs to, switch
off from time to time. However, it is not so much resting my mind, as it is
removing it’s ability to do anything.
It eats up my time, as I sit here staring
blankly without a thought. I’m rarely loving it, and it’s never improving my
life, but I still can’t seem to make myself get up and turn it off. Why does it
have this power of me? Over us, because I know I’m not alone. Lots of my
friends have expressed staying up way too late.
And it’s dulling my mind.
And it’s shrinking my thoughts.
And it’s shaping my mind.
And it’s streaming their will.
How has this happened? How is it that a
system has been set up, and the culture established that we so happily consume
what they pump into our houses everyday with very little concern for the depth
or breath of the content. It is a well known concept that you get out what you
put in; you are what you eat. So then why do we so openly let someone else
choose our mindfood. What they show is what we consume,and what we consume is what we will
mirror. And I don’t want to mirror that.
But it’s hard to catch. There is not always
anything particularly wrong with what is on television. It’s not all smut and
violence and crime (although a lot of it is), but it’s the more subtle themes
that are worrying me. The world already has a loud enough voice in my ear telling
me it’s all about my look, my cloths, my car, my lifestyle as reflected in my
things, and my friends and our wealth. Why do I give this voice another access
If the thoughts that I am putting into my
brain will become the framework around which I build my mind, I had better
start using some better materials, or before long I will not even realize I’ve
got nothing of my own.
There is something that I learnt today after my interest was peaked whist giving blood.
( I did not learn this at the donation center, as they had NO informational posters. Very disappointing)
((Having said that, I did then find these statistics on the red cross website, so they came through in the end))
((also, I know that this is not the correct use of parenthesis, but I think you will have understood what I was aiming for. Anyway, the content! GRAPH!)))